30 September, 2007

Love has no privacy, and its powers have no limit

They call it “Privacy”, Oxford's english dictionary defines it as follows:

priv•acy /'pr{I}v{shwa}si; NAmE 'pra{I}v/ noun [U]
1 the state of being alone and not watched or disturbed by other people: She was longing for some peace and privacy. * I value my privacy. * He read the letter later in the privacy of his own room.
2 the state of being free from the attention of the public: freedom of speech and the right to privacy * She complained that the photographs were an invasion of her privacy.

Nowadays' people use tools to gain it, be it by checking that checkbox that they don't want their phone number to be available in the phone directory, be it that the increase their on-line's profiles security to the maximum on MSN, yahoo, facebook , or other moder online people cooking books.... Or whatever other tools the todays' modern people use ...

Excuse me, But .... anyone ever heard about feelings, anyone ever heard about god's welling and force to empower your love powers to get to the you or you or you ...

I know, I know, call me psycho, call me stupid, call me ........ call me sticky smelly cat ... call me whatever you want,,,,,, but I am nothing but , Love-based human being.

I can't do anything in this life unless i love it, I cant eat something unless i love it, I cant sit on a chair unless i love it, i cant talk to a person unless i love him or her, i cant kiss a lady unless i love her (no, its not being in love with her you stupid shallow reader, differ between loving somebody, and being in love with somebody), I cant ride a bus unless i love it, I cant write a line of code unless i love the idea and logic setting behind it, I cant write this post write now unless I'm loving the music playing in the background , the machine I'm writing it on, and the OpenOffice software I'm currently writing this post on..

and when i love something or someone , I do with my soul, heart, mind, hands, lips, feet, and all of senses. I Love, then I exist ... because I'm a human being, and the mission god gave me in this life is to love, I love you god for this mission you gave me, I'm keeping it even though your other creature human being do not seem to love loving!

And here is my story...

Well, just before starting my story with this someone whom i so-called “loved”... at the beginning of this post (23:12 Saturday the 29th of September, 2007) I wanted to listen to David Vendetta's “Bleeding Heart”, I turned the radio ON to Play 99.6, simply because i thought they would be playing it in a short while, and there it was, after a couple of songs and at exactly 23:27, My room's radio is booming “What would my life be ... living in your arms ... we will never knowwww”.... No I dont know Play's play-list, probably there is a machine selecting those hits, right now, but Its just that i love this song, and its NOT the 10th nor the 20th time I love to hear the song and i turn to Play 99.6 and hear it right away, ... see what does love mean!

Back to my story,

She's a SHE, met here ever since the 1st days of Uni back in 2002, never cared about her looks (though she's breath taking beautiful), but i always cared her mind, her soul, her behaviors, thoughts, and passions.

Things progressed, I dunno, might had a crush at a certain time, but what i know is that i fell in love with her at a certain time, and for certain reasons that wasn't to be, I respected her decision, Life went on ... No relation has started, no relation has ended.... My love to her continues, yes that LOVE, the 2002 one .... “Do you still love her?” .. a dumb question ... answer: “if I will one day say that i do not love her, let it be known that i never even did, and all of this was fakeouts, and only then you can call me psycho”...
I mean, love never ends you human beings, who come you dare to tell someone: “I don't love you anymore” ..... Love is progressive, it never ends, its accumulative, it never vanishes, Love is forever, only your fake outs end, finish and get limited ....
Dear David Guetta, your “Love is gone” is a nice song, but even when love is gone, it doesn't mean that it vanished or ended. It is just gone, for a walk maybe!

Yes I do still love her, more and more even, Its been over a year since we have “properly” met, It was always by coincidence in shop or cafe, or a rapid un-planned meetup.

We planned to meet several times actually, but it never happened for several reasons .... but ..... lets see ....

Sometimes in February 2007, we were supposed to meet, it didn't happen, so a change in plans happened, and i went shopping, I was in a mall, at a shop, as i entered the shop (in which we had met before coincidentally) something came to my mind, soul, and heart , saying: .... “you will gonna see her today at 5 PM as set before”!!!!!!!!! after 20 mins of going around that big shop, I look to my left, its her, I look to watch (4:58 PM), I didnt go to her, in a couple of minutes she sees me and says HI.

Oh how much I love you my dear Barry White,....

“Do you still love her?” .. a dumb question.

Call it co-incidence yet again ... ok ... I call it something else!

Anyway, forget about those old fantasies then ....
So we set up a meeting, after I came back from abroad 2 weeks ago, its been over a year now, a lot happened in our lives, enough to talk for 3 nonstop hours maybe. So MSNing .... was this:
Me: “Hmm, I'm pretty jammed after this vacation, time is getting too tight, I guess the week after would be good, how about Saturday the 29th of Sunday the 30th ”.
She: “Ok, Let me checkout with my BF, and ill tell you”
Me: “Ok, No problem, you see what suits you and your boyfriend and tell me, I have no problem with that at all, but I Guess it would be better on Sunday the 30th, wouldn't be”.
She: “I guess so, but until then I'll be checking out and telling you”.
Me: “Deal! Have a nice day .. but don't you forget to tell me :P ” ....

During last week I reminded her on MSN about that, she didnt give me an answer yet. I decided not to annoy her anymore about it, and not even ask... I'll be waiting as she said..

Friday night, I was pretty tired, 1 AM, wanted to go to sleep ... remember the something, yeah the “something” that came to my mind, soul, and heart ... it came again saying: “she is on MSN” ... hell ya ... I just logged off MSN.

I log in, she is ON, (this wasn't the 10th nor the 20th time this happens ... ), I didnt open a session with her, neither she did, after 15 mins the something said “She will go Busy or Away” ... and bingo!!! I got stuffed out, put that handset device away and went to sleep without logging out .... I couldn't sleep, the something returned back saying: “How about a goodnight!” ... it was 2:10 AM, she was still logged, and within 3 mins she logged off!

So, I didnt annoy her, didnt ask her about her meeting ...

Saturday night, I went out to a cafe, (I wanted to suggest that place to my meetup with her by the way, since she likes starbucks, while i dont, and i prefer that place on it). So I went there, it was a family gathering.
So as i got in, the something came back, damn it ,,,, what do you want! The something said : “I just wanna talk to your mind, soul, and heart”, I said: “they're all busy with love” ... the something said: “and they will be happy more if they see what they are loving! Here, tonight!” ....

We ordered, changed 2 tables, and as i wanted to go get my order, I opened the door, and there happened to be a man and a lady looking to the opposite direction for a table, I felt something (I do not look at others my self in case you don't know), but I saw the lady's hair, and sensed something, and after i passed through the door .... Oh my god! Its her!
And yes, there she was, along with her boyfriend :)

“Do you still love her?” .. a dumb question.

Call it co-incidence yet again ... ok ... I call it something else!

They sat on a far away table, I didnt go there to annoy them, and just before leaving, I saw her 5 feet away, looking up to the shop's orders panel, she had that smile, she was blooming, she was in love, I love her when she is like that :) I love to see her like that .. and who doesn't love to see someone he loves being in love!
And no, I made a promise not to annoy her regarding today's evening, and this is how it was, I passed, smiled to her, and she didn't even see me! Just the way i wanted it to be.

She still didnt contact me regarding tonight, and no, “the something” didnt come yet to tell me ,,,, the something doesnt tell me those stuff .... but what i know is, that if we'll happen to go there tonight, I wont annoy the table she had that special time in last night with her boyfriend, my loving limits end there.

It wasn't the 100th time I have feeling about who or what i love, it wasnt the 200th either ..... and i know i will still be feeded by my Loving powers for the rest of my life, like I've always been.

But what i do not know is, when i'll be a victim of those love powers my self, oh dear god, I'm tired of loving everything and everyone, my loving mind, soul, heart and senses are getting tired. They are in need to be loved as well .... I want to be loved .... sometimes I wish .... I better not wish that ..... I'm just wondering how is it to be loved .... is it really how some people feel, when you love them and they just ignore it, or is it like feeling to be loved ?! I told you i dunno how is it to be loved! Eh ... can't you get it!

And though I'm now hearing IIO's "is it love" in my earphones ... what I can say is ...

"It´s crazy the spell you have me under
I know it can´t be but i´ll always wonder
What would my life be, living in your arms?
We will never know"


abu_alfouz said...

I'm sorry Nasim.

I wish that you spend what left of your life with the person u n love, or at least with a person that she is n love with u.

Asoom said...

hmmmmm I'm just not sure how to say this delicately, from reading your story I think it's very important that you get over her and despite what you think IT IS in your power to do that! Of course it's not easy, but it's in your power!

nasimjo© said...

dear commentators, thanks for the wishes and comments, but I'm sorry to tell you that this post was intended to be comment-less, its just that I apparently forgot that checkbox!

So I'm afraid I'll gonna stop the comment for now, and will hide your comments later after this post gets in the archives..

Still , Seems no one really got that my problem is not with not Having a relation with a certain person, but its rather about the way people are dealing with Love in general in this life, and comparing it to the my self.

As I mentioned in the post, The person given in the example is a person that I'm not thinking to have a relation with anymore as a respect to her decision, and you guys do not seem to differ between being in love with someone or in a relation with her, and between loving someone,,, just like loving Mansaf or Msakhan :)

for me, loving someone or something is different than being in love.

No love = no life for me .... this is the way i breath in this life, its simple because i love the air i am breathing....